**NOT DRINKING**
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona’s president sits down and says, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
**INDUCTION**
A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him. The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?
The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The Chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain.
Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says, Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?
**PICK UP LINES YOU CAN USE**
-A person asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You respond: "Do you have the energy?"
-Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
-At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
-Baby, I'm an American Express lover.... you shouldn't go home without me!
-Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
-Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
-Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
-Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated.
**BLONDE JOKES** (You know I had to put these in there)
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Well hopefully ya'll will enjoy these as much as I did hearing them, reading them, etc. If you are in the industry, I suggest try to have a joke book behind the bar. Either a scrapbook-like one made by guests for guests or something of collective material. I believe it will lighten up the evening, entertain guests and definitely give topics of conversation a big boost.
Happy Serving Peeps!
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